Funny Little Sam :)

Questions and Answers

I think one of the things that most parents would say define late toddlerhood is all the questions they ask. My niece Haley went through a phase where "why" seemed to follow each comment anyone made. The "whys" are cute at first, but then you quickly figure out this is getting a little monotonous and say, "stop asking why and just obey when mommy tells you to do something." Noah's first question was "what's dat?" He loves it because he almost always gets a response from someone and that's what they are really wanting in the first place, right?

I had a dear friend (someone I'd consider to be a precious mentor in my life) challenge me on this area of questions and answers lately. She reminded me that just as a child asks his parents, we too can ask God questions. Lots of them. I often stop my questions with the Lord. I'm not sure why I do that. It's not that I don't think He cares. I know He does. Perhaps sometimes I don't ask questions, because I'm scared what the answer might be.

We recently got the diagnosis that Noah has Fragile x syndrome. I don't really even like the name of it to be honest with you. It basically means that when little Noah was being knit together, he got my "x" and chris' "y" (any biology gurus out there should know all this jargon :) I happen to carry a "fragile" x in my genetic make-up, which means I can potentially pass that down to every child we have. Noah got the fragile x. Sam got the normal x.

I have a lot of questions. Some of them I believe God has answered loud and clear, and others I believe He is waiting to answer. As I read Psalms and the prayers and praises of David, I find him asking questions. "Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me?" (He asks this one a couple of times :) And then follows up with "Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God." (Ps 42:11)

So, I will begin asking more questions because I believe it's God's heart to have that kind of relationship with His children. Just like the toddlers in your own home that ask lots of questions with absolute freedom and trust, I too want to ask God. He is faithful and I trust Him with all my heart. I believe when Jesus said we must come to him like children, He meant it in every way. Eager to learn and quick to trust, may we each become children that ask Him lots of questions. :)

For real . . .

Hi bloggers. I'm going to start this post without apology because the reality is that I just don't have time to blog anymore. As much as I want to, it's just way on down the "to do" list. I finally uploaded some pics of the boys (the bottom one was actually taken this morning and sums up what has been keeping me so busy) so hope you enjoy.

The truth is the pictures make it seem like we're a "happy little family" but we have daily (if not hourly) meltdowns, Chris and I get frustrated with each other and the kids at the end of the day, I never seem to have the house entirely "picked" up, I take a shower every 3rd day (gross, but true), and life just isn't "perfect" The truth is we are in desperate of need of a Savior. . . every second of every day. Our daily Hope lies in Christ alone.

Sight

"The god of this age has blinded the minds of the unbelievers, to keep them from seeing the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ" (2 Corinthians 4:4).

If you're reading this right now, you're blessed. You can see. I've thought about my vision lately and what life would be like without it. This was probably a result of visiting 2 eye doctors last week. The first one I saw because I have terrible vision and it was a last ditch effort to see if this doctor would know how to correct my sight. The second one was actually a dermatologist because I got this itchy rash all over my eyes (not fun!!). All that to say, vision was at the forefront of my mind a couple days last week.

Ironically, what was happening in the physical was giving me insight into what God was wanting to teach me in the Spirit. We got this crazy news while at the eye doctor's office about my eyes. For the longest time (ever since I was 18 mo. and got my first pair of eyeglasses) we were told I had astigmatism in my left eye. It has progressively gotten worse with time. I've worn glasses, contacts, and even had laser correction, but it hasn't made my vision much better. We found out last week after going through some high tech tests that the problem is not astigmatism as much as it is the way my eye is shaped.

In layman's terms, my eye is elongated or the cornea is steep. This means that light rays focus in front of the retina, causing far images to be blurry. In a normal seeing eye, light passes through the cornea and lens focusing directly on the retina, which produces a clear image. So, if the cornea is not shaped a certain way where the LIGHT can hit perfectly on the retina, our vision will be blurry.

There's a solution in modern ophthalmology called a Refractive Lens Procedure. You can have an additional lense placed in front of the natural eye (lens addition) or you can have the natural lens removed and replaced with a lens of different power (lensectomy). First of all, let's just say that I am soooo thankful to be alive in a day and age where this is an option for my poor little eye. I am so thrilled that I'm going to get the chance to see 20/20 in an eye that has been legally blind my whole life!

Here's the bigger picture though. How often does the LIGHT shine on our hearts, but produce a blurry image? How many times has God been in a situation, but we were too blind to see? How often does our situation look dim and bleak, but only because we're not seeing through the right lens? Oh, that we would SEE the LIGHT of LIFE all around us, every second of every day.

I was reading a Bible story to Noah the other night about Bartimaeus, the man who couldn't see. This particular book has such precious illustrations. It's a perfect depiction of a what it would be like to go from darkness to LIGHT. It ends this way:

"'Lord, I want to see again.' What do you think Jesus said?
I'll tell you what Jesus said. He said yes.
'You may see,' He told Bartinaeus. And all at once -
Bartimaeus saw the sun. Bartinaeus saw the trees. Bartimaeus saw the houses. Bartimaeus saw the people. But best of all -
Bartimaeus saw Jesus."

It's the sweetest picture of a man kneeling before Jesus with a tear coming down his cheek so thankful for being healed. At the end of the day, all that matters is that we see Jesus.

If you can see with your physical eyes you are blessed. If you can see with your spiritual eyes you are truly blessed.

"Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me. I once was lost but now I'm found, was blind but now I see."

"Som"

Happy Baby!

"Kisses!"

"Not so sure about this breakfast, Mom."

My 2 "Love Bugs"

Yes, you read that right: "Som." This is the new way we ALL refer to our baby boy Sam. I've realized it's true when they say you begin speaking like the people you are around. Noah so affectionately refers to Sam as "Som" that we just started calling him that too. I hope I don't starting introducing him this way. Oh my!

To follow up on my last post, I wanted to share a little bit about our youngest baby boy. Again, it's because I want to proclaim the glorious Truth I've learned about Christ through these boys, and He has taught me something totally different with Sam than He has with Noah. And, to encourage anyone who reads this, to ask God to reveal more of who He is through the people, children, family that He has given to you. He'll show us if we ask.

When I was pregnant with Sam, I was being broken in many ways. Much of that had to do with what we were going through with Noah at the time. I had a lot of fear and anxiety of course about having two, but mainly wondering if the things that challenged Noah would also challenge this new baby. This was more of a selfish concern because I just thought it would be too much to carry. Instead of focusing on who God was and His sufficiency, I focused more on who I was not. My prayers went something like this: "God I can't handle another baby right now . . . this is too much. What were you thinking? I'm just not cut out for this." I know. . .very pathetic, indeed (just being real).

In the midst of all of this, I believed God gave me a promise for my life from the book of Jeremiah. Not the one we immediately think of, but something a little different. One night as I was crying out to the Lord, I believe He led me to this verse and spoke something so sweetly to my heart. Jeremiah 30:16 says, "'Restrain your voice from weeping and your eyes from tears, for your work will be rewarded,' declares the Lord. 'They will return from the land of the enemy. So there is hope for your future,' declares the Lord." I felt a promise of restoration for my heart. God would restore my joy once again.

And I write this with tears as I reflect how much He's done so. . . more than I could ask or imagine. The best way I can describe it is this. When we go into Noah's room to pray at night, there is an urgency that pounds in my heart. Perhaps because I'm still pleading for complete healing, but I can definitely sense the need to press in. When I walk into Sam's room, it's like I can't keep from crying because I feel the praise of angels accompanying me as I thank God for his promise fulfilled.

I don't ever want to compare Noah and Sam (or even make it about Noah and Sam for that matter), like Noah has been hard so that's bad and Sam has been easy so that's good. It's so much more than that. It's a heart issue that God has cultivated through both boys to teach me better who He is. He is so merciful because He loved me enough to break me with the first and restore me with the second. I love them both equally, but so differently.

Sam will be turning 1 next month (which is crazy to think), and here's a little bit about him. Sam makes me laugh. He has those big eyes that just want to discover everything. As soon as I delivered him, those eyes looked up at me like, "Hey Mom, how's it going . . .I'm ready to eat." Chris and I always say he's just "with it." We now believe he's the comic relief of the family. He is into everything! His favorite toy is his hockey stick (well, it was actually a party favor from Noah's friends birthday party) and finding a ball he can hit with it.

We call him our "Kawala Coon" because he hugs you real tight like a kawala hugging a tree and has those big raccoon eyes. Thanks, babe, for another wonderful nickname to add to the list! He is a lover, always putting his cheek to whoever is holding him like to tell them "I love you." He shakes his head "no" when he wants us to laugh. Whenever we pick him up to leave the room, he whispers "bye bye." I love that! Oh, and my favorite thing. . . he has a raspy voice that is sooo cute. I'll try to get a video to post. At first, when he was about 6 months or so, I thought it was just a little cold that made the voice sound raspy, but I think it's hear to stay and it cracks me up (especially to hear him say "Momma" with it). I always tell him I'm going to eat him because he's so sweet.

I could go on and on but I'll stop here. I don't write to brag on my baby, but Praise the Great and Wonderful God that made that baby. I praise Him for how He has made both my babies. If He blesses us with more, I will just look forward to learning more about Him through them. Love to you all.

Update - Part 1

As always, it seems by the time I finally blog again, it's been so long I feel the need to entitle the blog "update." I haven't checked, but I'm pretty sure I've used that one a few times. I wish I could be a little more original, but it's late (for me) and it fits. I'm learning so much right now, and it seems like I always have intentions of sharing what God is teaching me, but I just get too distracted or busy to make myself sit down and type. So here it goes. . .

I've stayed somewhat vague in the blog world for a number of reasons, but primarily because I just didn't think it was something I wanted to put out in crazy cyberspace. I've pushed it off for almost a year now, but I want to share some things a little deeper for 2 reasons.

1. I've been immensely ministered to and blessed by reading people's blogs, and I pray my story could be that for someone
else as well.
2. I want God to have all His Glory by proclaiming how great He is . . . even if it is in cyberspace.

Here's my prayer: that the irrelevant words or stories would be forgotten and the TRUTH would penetrate deep in your hearts. Regardless of what you're going through, the TRUTH and God's eternal Word will keep and carry you through this journey we call life. Nothing else will.

I've mentioned in quite a few blogs how entering motherhood was a lot harder than I had expected it to be. Anyone that has put a delicate newborn into their carseat for the very first time and thought surely they didn't just send me home by myself to do this alone (not that you don't have help, but you know what I mean . . . .). It's crazy and overwhelming and wonderful at the same time.

It's really unbelievable how that time is such a blink of an eye. I'm amazed right now that I have a 2 year old and a 10-month old. They've been such teaching tools for me and I pray I can instill in them all the wonderful, miraculous Truths God has taught me through them.

Here's what I've learned through my Noah: Noah Michael came out fighting. It's so crazy to me because although he's hypotonic (low muscle tone), he always seems so strong to me. Nothing has came very easy for Noah. He had a hard entry into this world (his head was kinda big! :) He had a hard time breathing when he was first born. He had a hard time learning to eat, crawl and walk as well. He now has a hard time communicating. He knows what he wants to say, it's just hard for the words to come out. It's so frustrating as a parent because you want to just help him. You want to alleviate all the frustration.

Unless you've been with Noah or had a baby like him, it's hard for me to explain fully what I mean. We've been told he has something called sensory integration dysfunction. There's a lot of info out there about it now days, so it's been very informative and helpful to understand the condition a little better. We're not certain, but some of the therapists that work with him think he also might have a form of apraxia.

Here is a definition from wikipedia: Apraxia is a neurological disorder characterized by loss of the ability to execute or carry out learned purposeful movements, despite having the desire and the physical ability to perform the movements. It is a disorder of motor planning which may be acquired or developmental, but may not be caused by incoordination, sensory loss, or failure to comprehend simple commands (which can be tested by asking the person tested to recognize the correct movement from a series).

We don't know the full extent of anything yet. Since he's only 2, we are waiting, hoping and believing we'll see vast improvements through the therapies. I have wrestled with guilt over what I may have done wrong with Noah during pregnancy and delivery. My heart has been heavy and I've fought discouragement and sadness so many days. But here's where God's glory is seen so brightly: Noah is this beautiful boy that the Lord chose for me to love, cherish and adore as my son. Because Noah struggles, we have gone to therapists which has made our world bigger and better. I have been able to share God's love and hope with Mom's that have similar struggles with their babies. Nothing has happened in vain. God has never ever abandoned me, but has been so near to my heart.

Noah loves to worship! He loves music, but particularly worship music that sing of God's love. Here are his 3 favorites - not because I listen to them all the time, but the 1st time he heard all three of these He squealed in delight over and over.

1. How Can I Keep From Singing by Chris Tomlin
2. Jehovah Jireh (Kids Worship CD) "Jehovah Jireh, my Provider, Your grace is sufficient for me, for me, for me! (repeat) My God shall supply all my needs according to His riches and glory. He will give His angels charge over me, Jehovah Jireh cares for me." - Love that one!
3. Awesome God

When I listen to those songs for the upteenth time, I just think how deeply God has ingrained such magnificent Truth in my mind through Noah. How can I keep from singing God's Praise? He is worthy no matter how deep our pain to be praised and adored. He is our Jehovah Jireh. . .just speaking His Name is so powerful! He is our Provider! He has given us more than we could ask or imagine and we are so grateful. And, He is an awesome God . . . He reigns from heaven above with wisdom, power and love. They are not just "kid" songs to me anymore, they are God's blessed Truth!

The same God that holds the earth together is the same one that made up little Noah's neurological system. My prayer is simply that He would connect the dots in Noah's little brain. And, with all my heart, I believe He will. But, in this time of waiting I have the Hope and Love of a Gracious God. I read this quote in a book this morning I thought was so good:

"God's will is exactly what we would choose, if we knew what God knows . . . When we stand in eternity looking back on this earthly existence, we will know by sight what we can only see now by faith. He has done all things well."

There's so much more I'm learning, but that will due for tonight. I'll write a post about what He has taught me through little Sam as well.

"I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me - the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace" (Acts 20:24).

Destin pics

O.K., so here are the promised Destin pics. I officially took 350 photos, but just posted a few. I can't believe we've been back almost a month. It's hard for me to recap that long ago, but suffice it to say, we had a great time and made precious memories. Vacation doesn't leave Chris or I feeling relaxed and rejuvenated like it used to, but vacation isn't about "us" anymore :) We loved the time with our family and seeing our boys on the beach.

I associate Destin so much with my childhood (this is our 20th year to go), and it's crazy to think I have my own little family to share it with now. I feel so blessed.



I love this pic. . . Noah loves his Papa so big!


JOY . . . I have never seen Noah laugh that hard . . .wish I had video!



Mom and Dad helping with the kids at the airport (Noah trying to "love" Sam :)


Haley Beth . . . my sweet niece that I just love and enjoy so much!!



Aunt Allie lovin' on her Sam



Noah loved playing with the kids on the beach . . . they dug a big hole and stayed entertained for an hour or so!














Big and Lil Justin (brother-in-law and nephew) at our